Humor, Jokes And Riddles

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Top Fine Lovely Jokes

Can't Sleep

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be, said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm up all night chasing those dogs, and when I finally catch one it's heck getting him to swallow the pill!"

Two Snakes

There where two snakes talking.

The 1st one said 'Sidney, are we the type of snakes who wrap ourselves around our prey and squeeze and crush until they're dead? Or are we the type of snake who ambush our prey and bite them and they are poisioned?'.

Then the second Snake says "Why do you ask?"

The 1st one replies: "I just bit my lip!"

Sucess Story

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his fortune.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932, the depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I
continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

. .

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says, "Here's a pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, "Well, you know math always was a little hard to swallow."

What does your family do for Christmas

The teacher asked her students how they celebrate Christmas. She called on Patrick Murphy. "Tell me, Patrick, what does your family do at Christmas time?"

"Me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to the midnight Mass and we sing
hymns, then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and
hang up our stockings. Then, all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father
Christmas to come with all our toys."

"Very nice, Patrick. Betty Schmidt, what does your family do at Christmas?"

"My sister and I also go to Church with Mum and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents."

A Jewish boy had his hand in the air so the teacher asked Isaac Cohen, "What does your family do at Christmas?"

"It's the same thing every year. Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce, then we drive to his toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves and sing 'What a Friend We Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

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